I don't have a denial problem... Wait...

This blog is going to be based on denial. I don't know why, but I tend to deny things a lot- to myself mainly.

I've been doing it for as long as I remember. My earliest memory is when I was about 3. My gran's dog, Marley, passed away peacefully in her sleep. I kept repeating "she isn't dead, she's sleeping. She isn't dead. I know she isn't." Obviously, she was, but I just refused to believe it.

I have been doing this all my life now- I denied needing glasses, I just said I had two eye infections causing me to have blury vision.  I denied having migraines, I just said I felt ill. I denied my anxiety, I said I just worried too much. I even denied winning awards such as CLICer of the Year 2011 (not bragging, just an example) People thought I was joking when I said "there's some mistake here. I know it." but I wasn't. I genuinely thought there was a mistake and denied that it happened.

Last year, I denied two big things in my life- one lasting for six months. I won't say what they are but I think denying them made me ill in the end. I kept telling myself over and over that those things weren't true and that it was all in my head- they weren't. When my friend made me realise that they were true, I broke down crying- I didn't want to believe it but they were true. There was no hiding them.

I don;t know why I do this, but do. I wish I knew why. I don't understand why I do it. I'm not aware of anyone else who does it. Maybe it's a bad habit I've picked up from a very early age?

It's not like I lie about the things I deny, I just don't believe them myself. It's weird and I wish I knew what makes me do it. Obviously, I don't deny everything- If I did, I'd deny this problem.

I'm sick of the word deny now.

Laters x