Feeling Dark

Me again [duh..]

I'm just writing a pile of shit right now, but I feel like I need to. I'm in my depressive episode, so just deal with it. I am not attention seeking at all. I'm just writing because I want to get it off my chest and maybe... maybe someone out there will understand where I'm actually coming from.

I don't understand myself. At all. I have weird thoughts. I get majorly paranoid. I honestly feel like everyone dislikes me and I tend to question them asking if they do still like me as a friend. Some get offended by this. Well, I'm sorry. If you want to be friends, you have to put up with the fact that I am a paranoid bitch who doesn't understand herself. If I question our friendship, please don't get offended. Just do what some of my best friends do [they're from England] and say "of course I am, silly!" and laugh with me. 

Another thing. I do talk about my problems a bit. That's because either 1. I need to get it off my chest or 2. it's because I need my friends aware of it so they don't get freaked out if I were to have a panic attack or seem all emo or too hyper. I don't want people to go "Oh, you poor thing!" or "Ugh, you're looking for attention." I just want them to say "Okay, cheers Jazz for informing me. I'll keep it in mind." or something. 

I also get hyped up sometimes. That's for 2 reasons. 1. I'm having a Hypomanic Episode of my Bi Polar or 2. I'm actually shy and I'm trying my level best to hide it... but I fail and just seem like a loony. If I ever get too hyper for you liking, just hold my by the shoulders and say "Calm down! Breeeeeathe!" and I'll get it. I don't even realize what I am doing half of the time. You need to inform me or I won't realize until later.

I worry too much. I think people who know me well already know this fact, but hey, that's why I've been diagnosed with anxiety. If I could, I'd throw all my problems in a box and burn them in a fire. But I can't. They are things that are stuck with me and I just haven't learnt how to control things yet. I get sleepless nights over some of the most silliest things. It's unreal.

My mind is full of such nonsense. I wish I had a stop button to stop all the madness and be somewhat normal.. It's so freaking irritating, you know? 

I have a low self esteem,too. If I take a compliment with shock, it's because I am not used to it or I highly disagree. Some girls call themselves ugly for attention I call myself ugly because my mind has been trained [thanks to bullies] to generally see ugliness when I look in a mirror or at photos. 

I am not writing this for attention, as I have said. I just want to write it out somewhere where I can look back at it. Maybe someone will get where I'm coming from or maybe someone will see it and it will explain to them why I can seem like such an idiotic freak on times. Whatever, I don't know.

I also apologize for things because I feel the need to. People from round where I live believe that people like me should kiss the ground they walk upon and I should apologize for whatever I do that they dislike. So if I apologize all the time, just say "okay" and humor me, yeah?

So yeah. My arm is hurting now. I think either I squeezed my arm too tight when I had to have my bloods taken or I have hit my elbow on something. But it hurts.

Norning. x